The Sacred Cathedral
A Yorkshire Alien’s experiences in Walmart.
Today, I want to share some of the experiences available on Planet Walmart. More importantly, I also want to exhibit some of the life-changing purchases to be made there!
First Encounters
One of my earliest voyages to Planet Walmart was conducted under important federal business. To prove worthy of a personal road vessel , I needed to first provide evidence that I was in fact residing in the humble state of Ohio. Being an alien with no credible life-form documents, this was a concern. Luckily, the Gatekeeper of the Road behind the counter at the BMV had a snazzy way for me to do this quick sharp: head to Walmart, obtain fishing license.
In the depths of the enormous warehouse stood a very bored-looking human boy at a small counter. His startled response at my accent told me that he did not expect to meet a Yorkshire Alien that day or perhaps even have to do any work at all that day but after some quick prodding at a screen, he granted me permission to hunt unsuspecting marine lifeforms — Lo and behold the BMV’s Guardian of Thoroughfares had spoke truth!
My mutually beneficial relationship with Planet Walmart had begun to blossom.
BIG tings a gwaan at Walmart
Walmart’s website explains that a visitor can: obtain a credit card (hey, that capitalist train ain’t slowing down anytime soon); use a clinic to check if a human is growing inside you ($10); use the same clinic to check your human bladder does not have an infection (also, $10 — obviously viewed of similar importance); obtain an aquarium buying guide (best not tell those people about the fish hunting program in the rear) and lubricate the chassis of one’s road transportation vessel (not an innuendo, although, for the more carnally inclined, sex toys are also available). All of these things are available in what used to just be called a store.
But for me, other than fishing licenses, Walmart is about one thing: trolley-fulls of fiercely priced consumables.
Bearing that in mind, it is time to pay homage to my top 3 consumable Walmart items.
The overview of each earth-shattering product will be accompanied by online reactions from humans who have commented on the product page.
Yes, people were generous enough to go on to the comments section of certain product page on the Walmart website and review certain items — and what have you done to help everyone along today?
I thank the reviewers for allowing the world to learn from their wisdom. I also feel it is my duty to prepare the reader for what is ahead. The stories you are about to read are testament to the fact these products can and probably will change your life.
- Arizona Zero Calorie Green Tea with Ginseng
Aggregate Earth Rating (provided by website only): 4.5 stars (out of 5)
Price: $2.78
Potassium: 0mg
Description: Adorned with an enchanting geisha figure is this delightful gallon of ice tea, I admire its subtle and refreshing taste.
Social impact:
John6907 took to the internet on January 2nd and headed to the Arizona Zero Calorie Green Tea with Ginseng product page to compose a review entitled ‘Cheap diet tea with a great taste’. His review read:
John6907: I love this tea. It’s sweet, plentiful and delicious. The bottle it comes in is large, rugged and useful for many different purposes.
Well, J9s, I actually find the tea not too sweet at all which is why I like it.
But, in terms of the rugged bottle, I’m totally with you!
When I have finally consumed all of the refreshing contents, I often look at the rugged bottle and think about how it could be used for so many things. Owing to such potential, the rugged bottle stays around on the kitchen counter for a few days. Then, absolutely inevitably, I conclude with a heavy heart that I actually can’t find a use for it after all.
But it’s just so damn rugged! I keep it around every time just in case I find a use for it. I would love to know what my man 9 Seizy’s ‘many different purposes’ for the bottle were but one thing is for sure: when armageddon comes, these rugged receptacles will be worth their weight in gold!
More social impact: ‘Copars’ warmed up their reviewing digits to type a brief 4-star review entitled ‘No Sugar’ stating:
‘Light on flavor but I add lemon juice to help prevent kidney stones.’
Dishing out health and flavour wisdom is all in a day’s work for Copars!
Other notable comments from the humans who chose to use the internet to share their thoughts on a gallon of diet ice tea included: “Will be drinking it for many years to come.” and “The price, particularly for these bottles is very fair.”.
Finally, my favourite: “This is an excellent beverage option for everyday & evening enjoyment.”
Hmm, do I want an everyday drink or an evening one? You no longer have to decide!
2. Great Value Brown Gravy Mix in a sachet
Earth rating: 4.5 stars (out of 5)
Price: $0.52 per sachet
Potassium: 11mg
Description: Use: easy. Flavour: brown. Suggestions: cheat a stew by adding this dust for a bit of depth or just pour over potatoes like any respectable Yorkshireman would.
Social impact: ‘Shoefinder’ used the internet on December the 7th to construct a 4-star review entitled ‘Good’ which declared:
“This is the only gravy mix my family will use.”
Perhaps this was not an observation by Shoefinder but an order as they took a root and branch approach to eliminating all other gravy usage from the family. Who knows Shoefinder but what is clear is that you are a big fan of the brown just like me.
On first impressions, Walmart reviewer ‘Mstr’ seems to be as unimpressed with things the gravy as they are with vowels giving a lowly 2-star rating. However, in the subsequent review entitled ‘Gravy’. they, remarkably, then state:
“it is great.”
High praise but low stars, what exactly is going on Mstr?
Well, I have given much consideration to this incongruity and come up with a theory. Perhaps Mstr has reinterpreted the products star rating scale to actually mean: ‘how good is this thing in relation to everything else in the universe?’.
In which case, I completely understand Mstr’s perspective and admire their honesty. After all, how could gravy, no matter how scrumptious and well priced, really command anything above a ‘2’ on a life-enjoyment-richter-scale? Hats off to you Mstr for ingeniously utilising Planet Walmart’s product rating scale to truly determine the value of all matter in this vast, expanding galaxy.
‘Cindyann76’, in her glowing 5-star review entitled ‘i like it’, simply said:
“I was better.”
This is either Cindyann giving an online gravy review little of the diligence it truly deserves or it is a deep, philosophical account of the impact Great Value Brown Gravy Mix had on her spiritual well-being?
Perhaps, reader, you could find the answer by simply purchasing one of these sachets and consuming its powdery contents (boiled water is recommended).
3. Maruchan Ramen
Earth rating: 4–5 stars (out of 5)*
Price: $0.18 per sachet
Potassium: Unreported
Description: No value review of consumables would be complete without Maruchan’s ramen range. Dried portions of space-like noodles that come with a variety of flavour sachets, the British equivalent of which would be a Pot Noodle.
*varies based on flavour
Social impact: Let me start by saying that so many people have been touched by this product. Reviews fly out from those that have been taken in by its various persuasions (beef, shrimp, oriental, pork etc.) meaning that there is simply too much rich material to provide a full overview here but I have tried.
The products’ generally positive impact can be summed up by a simple statistic: of the 125 reviews that were posted on the beef persuasion page, only 6 were of a 2 or 1 star rating. That’s a thunderous 95% satisfaction rate!
Saying that, two of the 1-star reviews are written mainly in capitals so they must have been very angry.
On the largely positive side, Mert testifies to the ramen’s worth in their 5-star review which can be found on the shrimp persuasion page:
“My family loves this item. I buy 4 or 5 of these soups a month. I buy boxes of these. It works great for snacks but also in different recipes. Thanks. Best thing ever invented.”
Drawing attention to the climax of Mert’s rousing review, it seems they have decided that, even when applying Mstr’s universal scale of the worthiness of everything, ramen would still obliterate all competition and command 5 stars!
VJJohn’s 5-star review on the beef persuasion page is equally gushing and majorly extensive (see review in its full glory at the end).
I have selected and labelled some of VJJohns’ highlights to show the various forms of noodle wisdom extolled:
“The secret is the noodles are very thin so cook up fast.”
— Noodle guru
“The recipes are endless”
— Noodle salesman
“Try adding cheap tomato juice or vegetable cocktail to it, & it’s almost like spaghetti”
— Noodle pioneer (Mmmmm “almost like”)
“Add meat… any kind, fish… like canned tuna or salmon.”
Noodle nutjob
“… or a splash of lemon (my favorite)”
Noodle connoisseur
As exemplified in VJJohn’s comments, it’s clear these are some versatile and highly adored noodles.
Paulette B shares this view with her playful insight into her Ramen preferences on the pork persuasion page:
“Good but not my favorite flavor.”
How coy! Paulette B you are only an ellipsis away from sending us spiraling down a ramen shaped hole of wonder.
Reading Jess75’s review it seems at first that they are perhaps not taking their online reviewing responsibilities seriously. The review is sloppily entitled ‘They are ok for a quick mea’. But, to give Jess75 the benefit of the doubt, perhaps she was actually using some delightful word play and suggesting they simply did not have time to finish the title and instead had to go and plant their face into another bowl of Maruchan as if bobbing for apples.
However, human reader, beware, for there is a dark side to Maruchan Ramen.
We see this with poor DVomm who is clearly beginning a journey towards full scale noodle addiction.
They provide a harrowing account of self-denial in the form of a 3-star review entitled ‘Ramen noodles’:
“Great way to grab a cheap and quick snack. Try to keep on hand for those afternoon or late night snacks. High in sodium but, I don't use salt on anything I eat so, I'm not too worried about it. Besides, it's not like I eat them everyday.”
Who are trying to kid DVomm? We know you eat them every day! You are probably eating them right now! Unless the sodium content hasn’t already eroded you from the inside out!
Please, friends of DVomm, try to reach out as soon as possible. They were obviously succumbing to the alluring powers of Maruchan Ramen back when they wrote the review in 2016, eating them in the small hours of the morning, grabbing at them in the afternoon, always keeping them ‘on hand’ and trying to justify it all with adjectives like ‘cheap’ and ‘quick’ which in fact more accurately describe how they feel about themselves.
Stay strong DVomm- we have all been there.
Conclusions and further research
The tragic case of DVomm really reveals how little humans know about Maruchan Ramen. More research is needed into this wildly popular consumable.
‘There is hope in Boxermom’ who has tried to begin this research. In her work entitled ‘Quick consumption’, Boxermom seems to have set about gaining more understanding. She conducted important field research to explore the effects of Maruchan’s packaging on children, concluding:
“Kids like the cups as well as the packs.”
Groundbreaking.
But, there is still more work to be done.
Until then, get yourself some hot water, a gallon of ice tea and wait for armageddon — Planet Walmart has you covered.
Disclaimer — I would like to thank all online reviewers for their contributions and taking the time to put their thoughts out there. In the distant parallel universes of all possibilities in which they actually read this post, I hope they do not take any offence — although if all possibilities are possible then, in one of them, they will all read this, form a mob and choose to exterminate my smug ass as a consequence. I guess I deserved it (not me, me but the me in that other universe).
REFERENCES:
VJJohn’s full review:
‘Unlike a lot of soups that are mostly water & salty flavored powder, you get plenty of noodles per serving with this. Lightweight for camping & hiking trips. I’m not in college anymore but still like this for a quick hot meal or snack. The Beef flavor taste the best to me, but the chicken & oriental flavors taste good too. The recipes are endless. You can eat it as is, but is great if you add stuff to it too. Try adding cheap tomato juice or vegetable cocktail to it, & it’s almost like spaghetti. Add your own spices, or a little more salt. Add meat… any kind, fish… like canned tuna or salmon. Add milk to make it richer. A little flour & salt to make it thicker & stretch it more for a bigger meal. Add an egg & water, stir up, & cook it. Add a little butter or margarine… or a splash of lemon (my favorite), yum! A cheap food that can be made amazing with a little imagination.’
